Pickup Basketball for Dummies

Other than Chicken Soup for the [fill in the blank] Soul (my favorite is Chicken Soup for the Scrapbooker's Soul), there has been no better line of books than the for Dummies line. They bring a lot of useful information to people who have a general idea of what they are doing, but could still use a little direction.

Another problem I run into in my day to day operation is basketball, and more specifically, pick up basketball. I have played with many different people and it seems like each person has played by a different set of rules at some point or another.

Through the combination of no certain set of rules and the brilliant line of for Dummies, Borderline Genius Ideas brings you Pick up Basketball for Dummies. We will now give you some of the rules from the book.

Chapter 1: Scoring

Is there any other sport where if you play pick up the scoring changes completely? Almost everyone who plays pick up basketball has played by 1's and 2's. Are we the only ones who think this is as dumb as Kate's ability to track pretty much anything through the jungle when she has no training, other than Locke telling her that a certain broken limb is a dummy trail? Can people not count by 2's and 3's? Did 3rd graders play the first game and decide going by ones and twos was easier? The only time you should not go by 2's and 3's is when there is no 3 point line and you only can play by 2's, which never happens. People at the TREC, I guess, were not intelligent enough to realize playing to 18 by 2's and 3's actually makes for shorter games than 1's and 2's to fifteen. Plus, why doesn't anyone ever mention that this gives a huge advantage to 3 point shooters?

Play by 2's and 3's to 24 or if more than 5 people are waiting for the next game play to 18.

Chapter 4: Confusing Rules

What's a kick ball? Is the top of the backboard out of bounds? Should there be back court violations? Should you play by high school rules? NCAA? NBA? NJCAA?

This is where the book comes in handy. Everyone plays by our rules.

• Kick Ball: If the ball touches any part of your leg right above the ankle or below, it is a kick and the ball is rewarded to the other team.

• Back Court Violation: Just like any other league, once the ball crosses half court, it can not cross back over without the ball being tipped or hit or possessed by the opposing team.

• And One: When one player shoots the ball and gets fouled, if the ball goes in the basket, it is good. No exception. The basket counts and the ball changes possession and the game goes on.

Chapter 12: Conflict Resolution

There are always going to be those guys who believe they are never wrong. This usually results in 5 minutes of everyone wasting time and getting nowhere. Rather than concede, they will stubbornly defend their position until more mature players give in for the sake of time. It's a simple fix. Thanks to Rasheed Wallace, we all no the ball doesn't lie. So if a dispute isn't resolved within a minute or so, the offensive player involved in the dispute gets to shoot for it. If they make it, they get the ball back but if they miss they turn it over to the other team. Simple as that.

Chapter 15: End of the Game Exceptions

You know what really grinds my gears? At the end of a pickup game that is close, a team that is behind, while the other team is on game point (to score one basket they win), decides instead of accepting the fact of a loss, they decide to foul on everything. This usually ends in a 5 minute fight. Here is an easy fix. If a team has game point and the following occurs in the same possession, follow these rules: if the other team A) fouls once, give the ball back to the team B) fouls twice, if the second foul is on the ground, give the ball back to the team, but if the foul occurs during a shot, that player gets a free throw to win the game. C) fouls for a third time, the team with the ball gets to choose a player to shoot a free throw to win the game. If a free throw is missed the defense gets the ball.

With this handy rulebook, YMCA's, student recreation centers, and any other places pickup games occur will have a defined set of rules, hopefully minimizing arguments and increasing overall pleasure to those participating.

If anyone would like to help us publish this book, give us more rules, or any other suggestions, please email us at Abe.Hop@gmail.com.

Editor's Note

With some of the ideas that we have, there are bound to be a few out there already. When we write one of these posts, we usually assume no one has developed the idea.

Unfortunately, we did not check before posting our last idea. Because Abe is a very hard worker and researcher (and has a lot of time on his hands), we escaped a huge lawsuit risk and the eventual collapse of our blog. Now we will continue our climb to a million dollar blog. Thanks for your continued support.

*Sorry to http://tinyurl.com/yl35jqq for any misunderstanding.*

The Bad Breathalyzer

Anyone who knows me knows that I am pretty lazy. Whereas some people can be lazy but maintain their good hygiene, I am not one of them. In fact, I have some very impressive records (at least in my mind) when it comes to my lack of hygiene. If you would like to know what these are, just shoot me an e-mail and I will be glad to inform you of some of the accomplishments that could easily make someone gag.

Abe is a little different from me when it comes to this topic. He keeps himself more maintained by often showering while making sure to clean behind his ears. I bring this up because, even though we all have differences in our personal maintenance routines, we all have one thing in common: none of us like to smell bad. So this idea was essentially inspired out of my laziness in an attempt to benefit me while at the same time finding a shortcut to make it happen.

I'm not quite sure how long ago the personal portable breathalyzer was introduced into the homes of partiers in America, but if you have ever run across one of these, it instantly becomes the "it" thing at the party. This little contraption can also turn the night into an alcohol competition as dudes try to set the record for highest BAC. (I can neither confirm nor deny Matt McAuley has participated in or won said "competition") Fortunately, I have been able to take this idea, modify it a little, and present the final product for the benefit of all mankind.

I give you... the Bad Breathalyzer. Everyone has had those times when we talked to someone whose breath smelled like they ate dog poop and then threw it back up in their mouth, but didn't really bother to do anything about it. The one who you think, "Maybe if I make him eat this onion, I will be able to stand his breath long enough not to dry heave". Perhaps this is because there is no surefire way to check your own breath. Of course it's embarrassing to ask someone to do it for you as you risk the humiliation that would ensue if your breath be raunchy. And sure... everyone goes to the "breathe in my hand and smell it" option, but as we all know that is completely bogus. So that leaves our society with a need. And that is what this device is able to satisfy. In the early stages of development, aka the "we've come up with the idea but aren't smart enough to actually create it" stage, what we have is more or less the same as a normal breathalyzer. The catch is that, instead of telling you how high your BAC is, it tells you how bad your breath is. Pretty damn impressive.

A lot of examples show that the simplest ideas can often be the best ones, and this fits the mold. By taking something that's already out there and making it ours, we can get the most acknowledgment and credibility for the least amount of work and effort. Pretty much Abe and I's goal in life. I have yet to figure out how this machine is going to work, specifically, but I'm sure a brilliant scientist could knock it out in about 35 minutes.

So we need some feedback from all of our readers. What do we use for the gauge? Do we go with the classic left to right meter (think speedometer with horrible breath on one end and great breath on the other)? Do we make it more concrete like a pregnancy test that gives you a plus or minus sign? Or even like a magic 8 ball (funny slogans like "brush yo teef" and "eat an entire mint plant and retry")? Or do we rip off the current breathalyzer even more and just go with the numerical scale? I feel like this is definitely a borderline genius idea but we need some help pushing it across to genius. Hopefully as we witness this idea come to fruition, we will be able to also launch a line of under arm and full body scent detectors. The possibilities are endless, at least when it comes to being stinky.

Please feel free to e-mail feedback to abe.hop@gmail.com or just leave a comment in the box below.

Can Anyone Spare Some Change?

Ahop and I like to think of ourselves as decent people although we probably aren't. I guess it really just depends on who you ask. However, a few years ago we hatched a plan that would solidify our rank among the world's elite humanitarians (watch your back Brangelina).

Our idea was simple and poorly thought out but altogether altruistic. The premise was this... we would choose a homeless person based solely on appearance (i.e. thick beard, great can collection) and house him for a month or so. We then tell him that there are 2 rules and that's it. Rule 1: Don't steal our TV, bull and matador, or the money black and white Marilyn Monroe poster. Rule 2: No drugs in our apartment. Other than that we would basically adopt him like we were prominent Ole Miss Alums and he was a future NFL draft pick. We would feed him, clothe him, and party with him (obvi).

After a week or so, we would take him to Mickey D's or somewhere and help him get a job. We would house him for enough time to get cleaned up, working, and back on his feet, all the while becoming our new best friend. We could later parlay this whole experience into a book deal or movie. Our outlook on this whole matter was that we were giving someone an opportunity to completely revamp their life. In essence, we would be his plane crash back to the island.

Of course, there would need to be a defined amount of time for all of this to take place because, let's be honest, we can only take in a psycho street runner for so long. Once the time was up they had to go. So it was ultimately up to them to seize the opportunity that we were providing. Hell, I would have taken him to class if he wanted to learn (better yet he could just go to class and take notes for me). We would be giving him the chance to turn his life around but even if he wanted to just kick it for a month, fine by us. At least they got a place to sleep for a little while. Also, we would be getting a new buddy on the streets and not to mention some very valuable street cred.

Although great, this idea came with a lot of negatives. From what I hear, a lot of homeless people are schizo's, so it may not have been in our best interest to follow through on it. Then again, if Ronnie assumed Sammie Sweetheart was property of the Situation, we would have never been able to see their beautiful romance unfold. Add to that the fact that our new homeless pal might have ganked something awesome from our sick Chapman Square bachelor pad (see above, also a miniature totem pole) and we would have been in a world of trouble.

Best case scenario, we help a man get his life back together, he becomes a good friend and roomie (maybe even cooks for us), we get some killer stories of the street, the news of us spreads national, we win the Nobel Peace Prize, get on Oprah, and become millies. At this point, we have done enough good that we could basically be the worst people on earth and would still be viewed as great men. It is safe to say that, although we never followed through with it, we were at least kind hearted enough to come up with an idea to try to help a brother in need.

Worst case scenario, we both get robbed and killed. Even though people would say it was stupid, they would still have to amit that it was all for a good cause. We would go down as great men and would have a fund in our names.

That is one hell of a win-win if you ask me. So if you ever think, "No one has any idea who I am and I mean nothing to the world", follow through with this little gem of an idea and be ready to get rich or get dead.

Professional Volleyballas?

Here is a question to ponder… If you were to take 1 year off and train hardcore during that entire year for one specific thing, how great could you get? I know Abe and I have thought about it. Surely other people have too.

Abe and I believed that if we took a full year off from everything and trained nonstop in beach volleyball, that we could become professionals. If you do not know me or Abe, I am 6’1 ¾ “ and built like James Posey with the athleticism of an average white male, while Abe in his hay day was 6’5”, built like Mike Piazza (circa ’98), and is an above average athlete.

Here are some pros for this thought: At the time we were both young and in fairly good shape, had nothing better to do than dedicate every minute of our lives to it (eat, sleep, and breathe beach volleyball), we work and communicate very well with each other, and we both tan great (semi homo).

And then there are the cons: No previous training in volleyball, no source of income to hire trainer, and I hate getting sand in my butt crack.

Obviously, we didn’t do it or we would be multi-millionaires with huge endorsements while being the face of U.S. beach volleyball, living in Florida or Cali, and bagging lots of Roxy surfer chicks like Adrian Grenier.

Anyone think there is a shot in hell we don't succeed?