The Bad Breathalyzer

Anyone who knows me knows that I am pretty lazy. Whereas some people can be lazy but maintain their good hygiene, I am not one of them. In fact, I have some very impressive records (at least in my mind) when it comes to my lack of hygiene. If you would like to know what these are, just shoot me an e-mail and I will be glad to inform you of some of the accomplishments that could easily make someone gag.

Abe is a little different from me when it comes to this topic. He keeps himself more maintained by often showering while making sure to clean behind his ears. I bring this up because, even though we all have differences in our personal maintenance routines, we all have one thing in common: none of us like to smell bad. So this idea was essentially inspired out of my laziness in an attempt to benefit me while at the same time finding a shortcut to make it happen.

I'm not quite sure how long ago the personal portable breathalyzer was introduced into the homes of partiers in America, but if you have ever run across one of these, it instantly becomes the "it" thing at the party. This little contraption can also turn the night into an alcohol competition as dudes try to set the record for highest BAC. (I can neither confirm nor deny Matt McAuley has participated in or won said "competition") Fortunately, I have been able to take this idea, modify it a little, and present the final product for the benefit of all mankind.

I give you... the Bad Breathalyzer. Everyone has had those times when we talked to someone whose breath smelled like they ate dog poop and then threw it back up in their mouth, but didn't really bother to do anything about it. The one who you think, "Maybe if I make him eat this onion, I will be able to stand his breath long enough not to dry heave". Perhaps this is because there is no surefire way to check your own breath. Of course it's embarrassing to ask someone to do it for you as you risk the humiliation that would ensue if your breath be raunchy. And sure... everyone goes to the "breathe in my hand and smell it" option, but as we all know that is completely bogus. So that leaves our society with a need. And that is what this device is able to satisfy. In the early stages of development, aka the "we've come up with the idea but aren't smart enough to actually create it" stage, what we have is more or less the same as a normal breathalyzer. The catch is that, instead of telling you how high your BAC is, it tells you how bad your breath is. Pretty damn impressive.

A lot of examples show that the simplest ideas can often be the best ones, and this fits the mold. By taking something that's already out there and making it ours, we can get the most acknowledgment and credibility for the least amount of work and effort. Pretty much Abe and I's goal in life. I have yet to figure out how this machine is going to work, specifically, but I'm sure a brilliant scientist could knock it out in about 35 minutes.

So we need some feedback from all of our readers. What do we use for the gauge? Do we go with the classic left to right meter (think speedometer with horrible breath on one end and great breath on the other)? Do we make it more concrete like a pregnancy test that gives you a plus or minus sign? Or even like a magic 8 ball (funny slogans like "brush yo teef" and "eat an entire mint plant and retry")? Or do we rip off the current breathalyzer even more and just go with the numerical scale? I feel like this is definitely a borderline genius idea but we need some help pushing it across to genius. Hopefully as we witness this idea come to fruition, we will be able to also launch a line of under arm and full body scent detectors. The possibilities are endless, at least when it comes to being stinky.

Please feel free to e-mail feedback to abe.hop@gmail.com or just leave a comment in the box below.