After nearly a month and a half of not using my brain for anything, I have decided to gradually resurrect myself back to consciousness. With my creative juices flowing and the will to do something somewhat meaningful, I sit here staring at a blank page hoping that the words will flow from mind to my keyboard with ease. It has been a while since our last post. Forgive us for not caring enough. Luckily I have been able to store a little info in my head over the past 90 days and have a couple of pretty good ideas for everyone to ponder and discuss. So since we have been incognito for quite a while, we're coming to you with two scoops of idea goodness and I really think that these are actually decent enough to catch on, imho.
IDEA 1: Pre-Loaded Coffee Straws (A Collaborative effort between Paul Dickenson and I)
So the story behind this is simple, therefore all aspects of the story have been embellished for entertainment purposes. On a recent trip to the wilderness in search of new sources of clean energy, Paul and I came across a lonely man. "What troubles you sir?", we inquired. He simply stared at the ground with a glassy look in his eye as though he were hovering in a mental purgatory, completely unaware of our presence. Paul and I glanced at each other, not really knowing what to do next when he turned and slowly walked away. Befuddled, we sat down to reflect on our encounter.
After what appeared to be endless silence, I broke in. "Ummm... yeah. So, huh?" The question was rhetorical, we both knew. For the answer was obvious... The poor guy was just really tired. Tired of not having a solution to his problem of being tired. This man, we would come to learn through repeated psychological evaluation, was once a man of extreme importance. He traveled the world giving lectures to enhance and solve the world's crises. And he was damn good at it. At the point we first encountered him, he had solved 39 total crises and was on pace for 16 more by the end of the fiscal year. However, he had hit a wall.
We soon would realize the story behind this man's downfall. After years of traveling the globe and staying in hotel after dreaded hotel, he had become reliant on Hotel Lobby Coffee to stay sharp throughout the day. He was a man of precision and efficiency, however the time it took him to make coffee in the mornings had gradually worn him down into nothingness. In need of a revival, Paul and I set to work. After 5 minutes of deliberation, we had our solution. Rather than spend countless seconds tearing packets of Splenda and opening tiny cups of creamer, only to then stir it with a meaningless minuscule red straw that is good for absolutely nothing but annoyance, we would combine all aspects of the coffee making process into one streamlined method. Thus the Pre-Loaded Coffee Straw was born.
In essence we take sugar and cream and insert them directly into a life sized straw and seal both ends with a disolvable substance. The next step is to insert the straw into the coffee, the coffee then dissolves the "X-Factor" which in turn allows the contents of the straw to enter in. The straw would then be large enough to stir the coffee and also gives the user the option of consuming said coffee through the straw without looking like your trying to drink a really thick milkshake. Each straw could contain different combinations of each ingredient allowing the consumer to choose one which complies to his or her liking. This would drastically reduce the amount of time needed to make your coffee not taste like coffee as well as cutting down on waste as there would only be a straw to throw away rather than 4 packets of Splenda, 3 creamers, and 6 tiny straws.
Needless to say, we saved that lonely man's life.
IDEA 2: Pootie Pants - Your Solution to Passing Gas in Public
Ever been on a date or in an important business meeting and you feel a growing pressure in the pit of your stomach? It starts to rumble. You know what's coming. A decision. Your options are limited and risky at best. The more you hold that feeling in, the worse the repercussions will be. The gradual cramping that follows holding back fart after dreadful fart only intensifies with the passing minutes. You pray that the muscles in your butt will be strong enough to not let anything slip out. You start to sweat and think irrationally. Do you risk utter embarrassment by letting it out bit by bit just hoping it will be silent and un-stinky? No! It's just not worth it. Plus, with all this built up pressure, there is no way you can keep it under wraps. It's only then that you awake to find yourself surrounded by people hovering over you as you slowly realize that you passed out. You panic not knowing what happened in your state of unconsciousness. And in your panic you hear what you have been dreading. Whoa! Wait a second! But it's too late. Everyone gasps in disbelief, you hear a handful of people snickering in the background. As you feel your face begin to redden, you accept the fact that you have just experienced the worst moment of your life.
It's a situation that we find ourselves in much too often. However, the problem has not been properly addressed. In all the years of pooting, no one has really sat down to find a solution. Perhaps because the sound brings joy to males of all ages. It is universally funny and needs to exist in nature. But its only funny from the third party perspective when your standing in front of hundreds of people giving a lecture on the harmful effects of CO2 pollution in the atmosphere. Fortunately, when it comes to a dilemma such as this, we excel.
Pootie Pants gives you the ease and comfort of normal underwear with the added Pootie Protection. Embedded in the fabric is a carbon filter that keeps you cool and dry as well as letting you rip one anytime you want without the distinct smell that accompanies each person's individuality. Because you have the freedom of not embarrassing yourself with the production of a rancid odor, you are able to stay relaxed, thus producing the silent poots you so desire. Therefore both embarrassing elements (sound and smell) of a fart are subdued, so you can make it to the end of the night where you're only met by a more embarrassing moment as you go in for a kiss only to be rejected and have rain start pouring down on you as you come to find that your car has a flat. Hey, at least you smell great!
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